What would you change if you had to start your lifeโand love lifeโover again?
When Emma Harris wakes up from a coma she learns that her fiancรฉ and her BFF have fallen in love, sheโs lost her job, and the life she knew is gone. Overwhelmed but grateful to be alive she starts over from scratch. Not as easy as it sounds, of course. But sheโs never been a quitter, even if she wishes she could quit rehab, where her hot but evil physical therapist, Simon, puts her through the wringer.
Eager for a new beginning, Emma opens a doggy day care. Unfortunately, the only space she can afford is owned by her childhood nemesis Ali Pratt. But hey, sheโs been through worse, right? She tries to roll with the punches, but a friend drops his grandpa off at the doggy day care in desperation then on top of that, she and Ali bring the term โfrenemiesโ to a whole new level. And then another grandparent shows up. And another.
In the midst of all that, Emma realizes sheโs accidentally fallen for Evil PT. But the most horrifying thing of all is that Ali just might have turned into the best friend sheโs ever had. And as Emma grows from the pain of her past and takes on her new path, she comes to realize that life isnโt what youโre given, itโs what you make of it.
Bestselling author Jill Shalvis is back with a heartwarming story about a woman forced to start over after she awakes from a coma. Brimming with humor, heart and charm, LOVE FOR BEGINNERS is a story about friendship, love and second chances. Read an excerpt below!
Step 1:
Get over yourself, the fear is all in your headโฆ
Alive was better than dead.
Or so the rumor went. But damn, Emma hurt from head to toe. Even her hair hurt. But the funny thing about spending two months in a coma and then the rest of the year in a rehab facility reacquainting herself with where her limbs lived, was that itโd given her some hard-earned perspective.
Yes, she felt like ninety instead of thirty. And yes, half the time her left arm thought it was a useless club that hung from her shoulder. Not to mention the rest of her body pretending it didnโt have to listen to her brain.
Alive was still better than dead.
Her physical therapist had taught her that mantra. The man was diabolical with what heโd put her body through. Sheโd lost track of how many meltdowns sheโd had on his table. Heโd been extraordinarily kind, taking each one in stride with a sympathetic but steady professional touch, patiently waiting her out, letting her calm down before going at her againโwhich he always did. But she hadnโt privately nicknamed him Hardass PT because of his hard ass. Okay, so he had a hardโand fantasticโass, but he didnโt know the meaning of Give Up. Emma couldnโt argue with his results, though. She was now doing things the doctors said sheโd never do. Like walk.
But she still hated him with a passion of a thousand suns.
And yet, turned out there was something she hated even more. Stairs. โSeven,โ she said out loud, teeth gritted, jaw locked. โEightย .ย .ย .โ The exhaustion was insidious, running in her veins instead of blood, but the stairs were part of her penance for surviving the accident, when not everyone had. โNine.โ She gasped for air. โTen.โ
There were fourteen in total, so silver liningโshe was in the home stretch. Each step brought her closer to adulting on her own for the first time in a year. A year of having everything she did, every single thing, supervised.
โTen.โ
โYou already said ten, hon,โ her ex-BFF, Cindy, said in a very gentle voice, the kind that insinuated Emma was a child. โWhich makes it eleven. E-lev-enย .ย .ย .โ she repeated slowly.
Emma sent her a long look. Yes, sometimes her brain and mouth couldnโt find each other and she got her words mixed up. The docs had said it was normal. BCโBefore Comaโsheโd been a runner and a PE teacher, and because she loved dogs more than people on most days, also a dog trainer. Having grown up here in the small adventurous town of Wildstone, a mid-California coastal spot marked by gorgeous green rolling hills dotted with ancient old oak trees, her whole existence had been defined by activity. But sheโd lost the ability to do anything sheโd done before.
She had no idea who she was now.
โShould you really be taking the stairs?โ Cindy again, sounding genuinely worried.
โYes.โ Because Emma refused to go back to their old apartment. She swiped the sweat out of her eyes. Hard to believe that she used to run 5Ks for fun.
โCareful. Youโre really pale.โ This not helpful statement came from her other sideโNed, her ex-fiancรฉ.
Emma took another step. Twelve.
โEmma.โ Ned put a hand to her elbow. โYou shouldnโt be moving out so soon after getting out of the rehab facility. Itโs only been a few days.โ
Emma had gone from the hospital to the rehab center to the apartment she and Cindy had shared for four years, the one that Ned now lived in, so she literally hadnโt been alone in nearly a year. At the moment, she was holding on by a bare, ragged thread. So it took every ounce of control she had not to throw Nedโs hand off. โIโm doing this.โ
A soft whine came from just behind her, and then a cool, wet dog nose nudged into her palm. Hog was her emotional support dog, because yeah, that was a thing for her now. After one too many nightmares in rehab, one of her occupational therapists had given her a two-year-old 110-pound St.ย Bernard/Chewbacca mix. Historically the breed had been used to help find and save travelers. The gentle giants were calm, patient, relaxed, and sensible.
Hogโs job was to watch out for Emmaโs emotional well-being and protect her as needed, but as it turned out, he was named Hogโshort for Groundhogโfor a very good reason. Heโd flunked out of service dog school for being afraid of his own shadow. Didnโt matter to Emma. He drooled, he ate anything not tied down, and he had gas that would kill an elephant. She loved him ridiculously anyway, even if as it turned out, she was his emotional support. โGood boy.โ
He licked her hand.
โThis is ridiculous,โ Ned said. โJust come back to our place. Iโll even stop complaining about Hogโsย .ย .ย . intestinal issues. Itโs not necessary for you to move out, Emmie.โ
Oh but it was. Deathly necessary. And not her death, but his. And possibly Cindyโs too. โHog only has gas issues because you make him anxious.โ
Ned looked at Cindy. โTell her. Tell her she shouldnโt leave.โ
โShe shouldnโt leave.โ Cindyโs eyes were filled with what seemed like genuine guilt and remorse as she looked at Emma. โRoomies forever, remember?โ
More than most, Emma understood how guilt and remorse could screw a person up. She was living proof. But Cindy had been her best friend for twenty years, right up until Emma had been hit by a car, punted fifty feet straight into a coma.
Then, later, at some point sitting in the hospital waiting room, Ned and Cindy had decided that itโd be a good idea to sleep together. Granted, theyโd been told Emmaโs chances of survival werenโt good, but sheโd proven the doctors wrong.
Her mom said it was because she was too stubborn to die. Undoubtedly accurate.
In either case, apparently Ned and Cindyโs relationship had only strengthened while Emma had spent the rest of the year in the rehab facility. And now, a year later, the two of them were still going strong. In fact, Ned had moved into Cindyโs bedโin the apartment Emma and Cindy had shared for years. Romantic, right?
โAnd our place has an elevator,โ Cindy said.
Like Emma didnโt know this. She might be foggy on a lot of thingsโher memory was still shoddy at bestโbut she remembered the basics of her life. Well, mostly. And yeah, an elevator right about now would be even better than the nap she desperately wanted. But sheโd live in hell before going back to her old apartment. Actually, scratch that. After losing her fiancรฉ, her best friend, her jobs, she was already in hell.
It wasnโt that she was heartbroken anymore. Months ago sheโd come to terms with the fact that Ned and Cindy had done her a favor. And maybe sheโd forgive them someday, but forget? Doubtful.
Clearly Ned hadnโt been the right one for her and honestly, she could no longer remember why sheโd ever thought he was. But Cindyย .ย .ย . that hurt. โLet me save you some time,โ she said. โI appreciate the help these past two weeks after I was finally sprung from the rehab facility. But thereโs no way Iโm going to keep staying where my ex-fiancรฉ and ex-BFF are sleeping together. Loudly, by the way. You guys do realize how thin the walls are, right?โ
Cindy smacked Ned in the gut and glared at him. โOh my God, I told you!โ
Emma tackled another step. Thirteen. Hog was right with her, panting hotly on the backs of her legs. โYou think I want to know that Cindy howls like a banshee, or that you do her up against a wall?โ She whipped around and glared at Ned. โAnd you do remember telling me you couldnโt do it that way because it hurt your back, right?โ
He opened his mouth, but Emma turned away, staggering up the last step, breathing like a lunatic. The good news was that sheโd done it. The bad news was that sheโd just come face-to-face with a man leaning against the wall, feet casually crossed, a set of keys in his hand.
She mightโve yelped in surprise, but frankly, she was too tired. Besides, she knew him. All six feet of lean muscles and unruly hair the color of a doeโs fur, which was to say every color under the sun; all shades of brown, mahogany, even some red and blond. Clearly only finger tousled, like he didnโt have time to be bothered.
Hardass PT, aka Simon Armstrong.
Why did she know exactly how many strands were blond and red and brown? Theyโd spent hundreds of hours together over the past year. In each otherโs space, his hands on her body. For most of those hours, sheโd been in so much pain she doubted heโd ever noticed her spiked heart rate for what it was.
A reluctant reawakening of her body.
Not that heโd given her any inclination of a return interest. Nope, heโd been nothing but professional. She was good at reading people, but Simon had a poker face sheโd kill forโnot to mention dark lashes over eyes that were as hard to name as the color as his hair. Greens and browns and golds swirled together in what was technically hazel, but seemed too tame of a word. Those see-all eyes of his could express a wide gamut of emotions from a quiet patience to an intensity that burned. At the moment, though, he seemed amused as he stood there, clearly having heard the conversation coming up the stairs.
โSounds like you three need a moment,โ he said.
The old Emma wouldโve died of embarrassment. But Emma 2.0 didnโt do embarrassment. She no longer gave a shit what people thought. Or so she reminded herself as she lifted her chin. Pride before the fall and all that.
The exes squared came up behind her with their faux worry. Or maybe it was real worry. That was the beauty of her new attitudeโshe didnโt care.
โHow did you find this place anyway?โ Ned asked, not yet seeing Simon. โThought you couldnโt find an apartment anywhere in Wildstone that would take you with your yearlong lapse in income.โ
โI got lucky.โ Itโd been much more than luck. Simon had told her about the available apartment and said that he could help facilitate her approval. Which meant he wasnโt one hundredย percent hardassย .ย .ย .
Sheโd gratefully jumped on it.
The building had once been a single Victorian home, but being in such close proximity to the beach had made it crazy valuable. Somewhere in the 1950s itโd been separated into four apartments, two up, two down. Emma was moving into apartment 2A, because unfortunately, nothing had been available on the bottom floor. It didnโt matter, she was beyond grateful for it because, as it turned out, Ned was rightโnobody wanted to rent to a woman with no current source of income other than a few part-time hours at Paw Pals, the local doggy day care where she gave dog training classes.
Luckily, sheโd received an insurance settlement from the accident, which sheโd vowed not to touch unless it was for a life-changing reason, but in the end, sheโd decided not having a roof over her head was a life-changing reason, so sheโd used some of it to pay first and last and security deposit on this place.
Simon smiled at Hog. โHey, big guy.โ
Hog was afraid of most men. Emma had tried to get his history, but it was sketchy at best. Her guess was that heโd been abused, most likely by a male. Now there was only one man who Hog automatically melted for, and that was Simon.
Emma understood the melting on a core level, though after all these months she was so good at ignoring it that Simon had never even noticed.
He didnโt notice now either as he crouched to Hogโs level. Her big doofus of a dog let his legs slide out from beneath him, hitting the floor, making the foundation shake like an earthquake.
Simon just laughed and used both hands to rub up and down Hogโs belly, promptly melting him into a puddle of goo. Emma understood that too. Those big, warm hands of Simonโs had melted her too, plenty of times. Not that heโd noticed that either. Which was when she realized what felt weirdโsheโd never seen him outside of a PT session, or in anything other than what she considered his PT uniform of a form-fitted performance long-sleeved T-shirt and basketball shorts or sweats. Today he was in Leviโs with a hole across one knee, an army green Henley, and battered sneakers. He had a few days of scruff going and she could see a few tats sticking out from where he had his sleeves shoved up to his elbows.
He lookedย .ย .ย . real.
And disarmingly handsome, which wasnโt good. He had a way of making her feel things she had no business feelingโnot for her PT and not for men in general. All it did was make her want something she couldnโt have, leaving her with one more ache in her body she didnโt need.
Simon was still loving up on Hog, clearly clueless to her thoughts. After all, theirs was a strictly professional relationship, even if after all these months they also felt like friends. Which they werenโt, because she wasnโt on the friend train. Or any train that involved a relationship thanks to a myriad of reasons like her cheating ex, the accidentย .ย .ย . her physical limitations.
Ned eyed Simon carefully before turning to Emma. โYouโre dating already?โ
She nearly laughed. Dating? She was barely breathing. And besides, as already noted, she wasnโt on the relationship train, thank you very much. โNo longer your concern,โ she said. โSimon, this is Ted.โ
โNed,โ her ex corrected.
Emma shrugged and pointed her head, like sorry, comaย .ย .ย .
Simon rose to his full height and smiled at her, clearly enjoying her using her temporary disability to her benefit. Ignoring the very slight flutter in her belly at the unexpected smileโvery slight!โshe rolled her eyes.
Ned held a hand out to Simon. โIโm Emmaโs fiancรฉ.โ
โEx-fiancรฉ,โ Cindy said very quietly, without a single hint of how she felt about the slip, Freudian or otherwise. โAnd Iโm Cindy, Emmaโs best friend.โ
โAlso an ex,โ Emma said.
Cindy winced.
Emma reached out for the keys, belatedly realizing her fingers were trembling from getting up the stairs on her own steam.
Simon looked at those fingers, then into her eyes andย .ย .ย . didnโt hand over the keys.
And here was the thing. He was perceptive. Too perceptive. She turned away.
โI donโt see you being able to handle those stairs every single day,โ Ned said. โItโs too much for you.โ
โAgreed.โ Cindy nodded. โYou should come back home, Emmie.โ
That place was no more home to her now than the hospital or rehab had been. And if one more person called her โEmmieโ she was going to lose it entirely. She turned again and found Simon watching her, amusement gone. โYou okay?โ
At his question, Ned looked at her and frowned. โYou really are pale, Emmie. Are you okay?โ
โGreat, actually,โ Emma said. โThink you guys could go down to Nedโs car and unload my boxes while I finish up the paperwork?โ
Simon lifted a brow. He knew there was no further paperwork, but thankfully he didnโt contradict her, and her exes squared went back down the stairs.
Hog lumbered to his paws and shook. Fur flew around him like a halo. So did drool. Both were all over Simonโs jeans. She knew heโd told her that Hog wouldnโt be a problem, butย .ย .ย . โIโm sorry. He doesnโt usually shed so badly.โ
โAnother fib.โ Simon sounded amused again as he brushed Hogโs fur from his jeans. โDonโt worry, four-legged fur babies are always welcome here. Even the giant ones.โ
Emma let out a relieved breath. โAppreciate that. I really needed to get out of my old place.โ
โI can see that. Nice one on calling him the wrong name on purpose.โ
She grimaced.
โHey, Iโm all for self-preservation,โ he said.
Grateful for Simonโs nonjudgment, Emma leaned on the wall for support. โDamn. I hate that Iโm still breathing as if I just ran a 5K, like I did BC.โ
He smiled because he knew all about โBC.โ Sheโd told him lots of things about her life Before Coma during their PT torture sessions. โSoย .ย .ย . the key?โ
He inserted it into the lock for her and opened the door. โDo you need help with your boxes?โ
โNope, Iโve got it. Or rather the exes squared got it. Thereโs no way theyโre going to leave me in peace until Iโm settled. Or dead. Whichever comes second.โ
His mouth curved slightly. โNice to see your attitude is the same in or out of PT.โ
โDonโt you mean my bad attitude?โ
That bought her a smile, but he was smart enough not to comment. โIโll leave you to it then, if thatโs what you really want.โ
โIt is.โ Hog pushed the top of his head against Emmaโs palm again with a soft whine. Comforted by the touch, she leaned into him.
โEmma. You sure?โ
Hell no. She wasnโt sure about anything. But the old Emma had lived to please others. Emma 2.0 didnโt want to do that. She was making changes. Up until now, her life had been about perceptions and keeping up with the Joneses. Sheโd worked several jobs, none of them paying well, but all of them adding to the image of a young woman at the top of her game: fit, able, and social media worthy.
But at the end of the day, when sheโd been out of sight for a year, it hadnโt mattered, and every one of her wide circle of friends and acquaintances were gone.
Or boinking each other.
Sheโd been given a reset, a second chance that sheโd crawled out of hell for, and she was going to do things right this time.
Simon was still waiting calmly for her to respond. She already knew he had patience in spades. He was gentle steel, always pushing her to the very ends of her endurance and beyond, waiting as long as it took for her to get it back togetherโwhich she always did. Heโd proven that to her time and time again. He knew her limits better than she did. Resistance was futile.
โIโm sure,โ Emma said. โIโve only got the four boxes anyway, and one of them is a case of Girl Scout cookies.โ
His approval of her toughness was in his smile. โIโm right downstairs if you change your mind.โ He turned to the stairs and her gaze slid down his body. She might be off relationships, all of them, but she wasnโt dead. Good to know. โWait. Why are you going to be downstairs?โ
โTaking care of my dad, who lives in 1A. I had to move in with him for a bit after his strokes.โ
โRight.โ Heโd told her this already. โSorry.โ
โDonโt be. I forget shit all the time and I have no excuse.โ
Emma shook her head. โYou forget nothing, including exactly how many reps Iโm supposed to do, even when I try to cheat.โ
Simon shrugged. โI was born with a cheat radar.โ
She wished sheโd been born with a cheat radar. That would have been handy before getting involved with Ned for nearly a year. โThanks for getting me into this apartment.โ
โHappy to help.โ
Oh, how she hated to be helped, and given that he just laughed softly at the look on her face, he knew it too. When he left, she blew out a sigh. Simon thought he understood, but he didnโt. Couldnโt. No one could. After all sheโd been through, after watching her parents give up a year of their lives to sit at her bedside and worry, her biggest fear now was to be a burden. To that end, sheโd just last month finally gotten her parents to fly back to Florida, where theyโd retired right after Emma had graduated from high school. A dream come true for them.
Not for her. Sheโd been to Florida to visit. She wasnโt a fan of the heat, the humidity, or the flatness of the landscape. Nope, she was a California girl through and through. Once upon a time, Emmaโs biggest dream had been to run a half marathon. That seemed like a lifetime ago now.
Her new plan? She had no clue, other than it had to be bigger than her old one. Maybe it should be to appreciate surviving, learning to live her life to the fullest.
She stepped into her new, thankfully fully furnished apartment. Other than the pics Simon had on his phone, sheโd signed the lease place unseen, so she was relieved to find it was even roomier than sheโd thought. The kitchen, living room, and bedroom were filled with nooks and crannies typical of an old Victorian. It was furnished, which was a bonus because she hadnโt wanted anything from her previous life. Comfy-looking leather couch and chair, a huge TV, an oak table and chairs, and a king-size bed with navy-and-white bedding that looked so inviting she almost crawled into it on the spot. All of it looked well loved and well lived in, and Emma sent a silent thank-you to whoever had furnished the place. It was clean, definitely masculine, but also warm and cozy. It feltย .ย .ย . perfect.
Shutting the door behind her and Hog, she was immediately drawn to the big picture window and the view of the Pacific Ocean. Turquoise water, dotted with whitecaps and sailboats, stole her breath.
Still sweating and trembly, Emma made it to the couch, collapsing onto the cushions. Hog plopped heavily to the floor at her feet, both of them thrilled with the glorious view but even more glorious silence. Some of her tension started to drain away.
Until someone knocked on her door.
Hog jumped up and hid behind the couch.
โItโs open,โ Emma said wearily to the exes squared, wishing she could hide behind the couch too.
The door opened, but it wasnโt the exes squared. It was two high-school-aged boys, both tall, gangling, and clearly twins, wearing matching T-shirts that said rj mowing service.
And they were carrying her entire life in four boxes.
Hog peeked out behind the couch, his hangdog face creased in worry.
Emma managed to sit up. โUm, hi?โ
โHi,โ one of them said. โWe take care of the yard of this property. Iโm R.โ He jabbed a thumb at the other kid. โHeโs J. Simon gave us twenty bucks to carry these boxes up here for you. Uhย .ย .ย . is that a bear behind the couch?โ
โNope, just an anxious dog named Hog. What does R and J stand for?โ
โRobert,โ the first kid said, patting his chest with his hand. He pointed at his twin. โJeremy. We hate our names so we go by R and J.โ
Jeremy nodded, but didnโt speak.
They were so identical it was almost spooky, but then Emma realized that while R had two green eyes, J had one light brown, one green. He nudged R, whispering something in his brotherโs ear.
R nodded. โRight.โ He looked at Emma. โSo does Hog eat people? Cuz heโs drooling like maybe he needs lunch.โ
They all eyed Hog. The classic-looking St.ย Bernard was massive, heavy, and potentially powerful, with a thick furry coat. Emma could see how heโd been mistaken for a bear because only his huge head was peeking out from behind the couch. He was panting slightly, his big milk chocolate eyes filled with a deep concern.
โHe eats everything but people,โ Emma said fondly. โAlso, heโs a very large scaredy-cat. Iโmย .ย .ย . kind of his emotional support person.โ Then she said to Hog, โItโs okay. Theyโre friendlies.โ
Hog, always good-natured even when scared, gave a tentative wag of his tail and came out, waiting to receive all the love. Both guys were happy to give him what he wanted. In two seconds, Hog was on his back again, tongue lolling in happiness while he received all the pets.
โWhat happened to the couple who was supposed to carry my boxes up?โ Emma asked.
โSimon told them we had this,โ R said. โAnd that they should go because the sprinklers were going to come on and ruin the new wash job on their Lexus. The guy said he could move the car and park on the street instead, but Simon said the street cleaners would be coming through soon so it was best if they just left. The woman had to talk the guy into it.โ
Not sure how she felt about Simon being her own personal superhero for the day, Emma searched her pockets, hoping she had some money to tip the teens. โThanks so much for the assist, I really appreciate it.โ She went to stand up. โLet me just find my walletโโ
โSimon told us if we took a tip from you, heโd fire us,โ R said.
And then they were gone, and she was blessedly alone. If she couldโve done a happy dance, she wouldโve. Instead, she settled for flopping onto the couch again. She was on her own. Yay! She looked around and her smile faded some.
Alone meant she didnโt have anyone to open a jar when her shaky fingers couldnโt grasp it tight enough. No one to sit on the bathroom counter while she showered to make sure if she fell, she had a quick rescue.
No one to be there when she woke up from the nightmares of being back in the coma, trapped in her own mind.
As if he sensed her worry, Hog joined Emma and they both tried to watch the beautiful scenery; the water, the puffy clouds lazily crossing a bright skyย .ย .ย . but they promptly caved to the exhaustion and took a nap. And for those few hours, Hog wasnโt the only drooler.
Stepย 2: Listen.
Being in a coma was a funny thing. One minute you were jogging and singing along to Pink in your headphones as you hopped off the curb to cross the street, and in the next beat you wereย .ย .ย . nowhere, just floating somewhere above reality, but below the afterlife.
For Emma, itโd been like sinking underwater, terrified and unable to move, not even to open her eyes, at the complete mercy of the tide. She could hear things going on around her, all of it warped, as if going through a filter.
Later sheโd learned that had been the heavy drugs theyโd had her on, but at the time, all sheโd known was that she couldnโt open her eyes or move as real life went on around her. The snippets of conversations sheโd caught had come to life vividly behind her eyelids, like dreams.
She could still remember two women talking about one of them hooking up in a supply closet with an ER doc the night before. Sheโd gotten pregnant and had given birth to a litter of healthy puppies. Ten of them.
Obviously sheโd been given really good drugs.
Sheโd heard Ned and Cindy talking quietly to themselves about a cruise to the moon.
Her parents promising her that if she would only wake up, theyโd help her learn to fly.
Then two more female voices; one of them had just broken up with her boyfriend who was on fire, racing through flames carrying his dad on his back everywhere he went. Sheโd dumped him for leaving her behind.
Emma had to laugh at those dreams or sheโd get anxious again, the kind of anxiousness sheโd suffered during her coma, where sheโd felt like she was drowning but couldnโt wake up and get out of the deep water.
Sheโd never been a fan of swimming, especially in the often rough and choppy water off the coast, but being stuck in her own mind in the ocean had been hell.
Later sheโd found out that after a postsurgery infection and a dangerously high fever, and then a subsequent seizure, theyโd put ice packs all around her. Which demystified the horrifying dreams about trying to swim in the ocean, but feeling too weighed down to move.
Itโd demystified everything, because postcoma, sheโd realized that everything sheโd overheard had some level of truth to it.
The worst part of all of it had been the insidious pain.
Not surprisingly, itโd been Simon, during those first PT sessions, to tell her something that had stuck with her.
Theyโd been in Emmaโs hospital room, her still hooked up to all sorts of things, weeks before sheโd been released to the rehab facility. The lights had been on low because sheโd had a migraine, probably brought on by the pain and her inability to manage it effectively.
The anticipation of pain is worse than the pain itself, heโd told her, a lean hip perched on the edge of her bed as he worked the muscles in her left leg. Close your eyes.
Sheโd spent way too much time with her eyes closed, but thereโd been something so compelling in the gentle steel of his demand that she had done what he said.
Now go to another place. A happy place.
She had strained to remember one. But she was practically humming with anxiety. No job, no prospects. Her left arm had seceded the United States of Emma. And yet, none of that was first in line. She didnโt need a shrink to tell her what was first in line, what her constant low level of anxiety really came from. Sheโd always known the root of it.
Survivorโs guilt.
Go to your happy place, Emma. She smiled now because she could still hear Simon speak to her as he had that day, clear as a bell, like he was right there with her.
Whereโs your happy place today? Dream Simon asked.
Same as always. Avila Beach. Where the bright sand and the pretty ocean melded together like heaven on earth. It took her a minute, but finally she could hear the water lapping against the beach. Birds squawking at each other. The salty scent of the ocean air all around them, a warm breeze on her face. She was on the warm sand with the heated, hard body of a man lying with her, spreading sunscreen over every inch of her bodyย .ย .ย .
Wow. Okay, so this really was a happy place today, and she smiled, liking Dream Simon a whole lot. She hadnโt dreamed of or yearned for physical intimacy inย .ย .ย . a long time. Sheโd actually thought that part of her womanhood might be lost to her foreverโ
โTurn onto your belly,โ came Dream Simonโs low, gruff command.
Mmm. She liked his sex-on-a-stick voice.
โEmma.โ
Her eyes flew open. Not Dream Simon.
Real Simon.
She wasnโt at the beach. She was at physical therapy, and sheโd dozed off.
โTurn over,โ Not Dream Simon said.
โโK, but I usually get dinner firstย .ย .ย .โ
โFunny.โ He nudged her over himself with his big, strong, warm hands and she had to swallow her moan.
โAm I hurting you?โ
โNo.โ She squeezed her eyes shut and buried her head in the crook of her right arm, wondering if her ears were on fire.
Or if he could read minds.
No. If he could, heโd be running for the hills. The man was hot, but heโd never, not once, given her a hint of having any lust for her bod.
Just as well. Her mind might be suddenly ready for a physical relationship, but her body didnโt exactly seem ready for prime time. A mental inventory proved that to be true: aching limbs, aching ribs and back. Aching everything. Which made it official. Still not ready.
Well, except for maybe her traitorous nipplesย .ย .ย .
โLift up.โ
She snorted a little to herself because now everything in this session was going to sound dirty to her. But she knew what he wanted, and unfortunately it wasnโt dirty at all.
โEmma.โ
โRight.โ She took a deep and shaky breath because damn, he was particularly evil today. She held her arms straight out in front of her and her legs behind her and arched her back. Theoretically, every part of her should lift off the table, except her belly and hips. It was a good stretch for an able-bodied person, of which she wasnโt. Her left arm raised about an inch, before dropping heavily back to the table.
โAgain.โ
She could feel a fine sheen of perspiration on her skin and her every muscle trembled with effortโ
โHey.โ Simon bent and put his face level with hers. โYou with me?โ
Yep. Yep, sheโd just been with him. On a beach. Nakedย .ย .ย . Which was incredibly eye-opening for her as her lady bits twitched for the first time in a year. Not trusting her voice, she nodded up into those hazel eyes. Green and light brown swirled, surrounded by a ring of milk chocolate brown. Mesmerizing.
โWhere did you go?โ Heโd taken his hands off her. โYou okay?โ
โNowhere,โ she said quickly. โIโm good.โ
โSo you can do it again then.โ
Damn. And note to self: Never tell Hardass PT youโre good. โOrย .ย .ย . we could go have one of the juices you guys sell out front.โ
โAfter. This first.โ
Damn. โSo whereโs your happy place?โ
Simon arched his brows.
โCome on,โ Emma said coaxingly. โI know you must have one.โ
โOh, I do.โ He smiled. โItโs just under lock and key.โ
She put her hand on her left calf, rubbing it before it could cramp. โSeriously? Youโre not going to share?โ
โNot right now. Right now weโre concentrating on your recovery.โ
โIโm recovered enough.โ
He nudged her hand away from her calf and began to knead it for her. โโEnoughโ isnโt the same as your long-term goal of working your way back up to a 5K.โ
โThat was BC.โ
โStretch your legs like I showed you.โ He waited for her to start doing that before speaking. โSo your standards have changed then?โ
โWell, yeah. Life changed.โ
โEmma.โ His voice was quiet, concerned. โDoesnโt have to be that way. You can get back there.โ
She looked away, not sure how to tell him she no longer coveted her old life. Problem was, she didnโt know what her new life looked like. โMaybe I donโt need to be the same as before.โ
He was quiet a moment, watching her stretch the way he wanted, occasionally adjusting her posture to suit himself. โHere,โ he said.
โWhat?โ
โMy happy place is here. Helping people.โ
That gave her a warm fuzzy, something she didnโt often feel here in the torture chamber. โThanks,โ she whispered.
He nodded and she kept working. Sweating. And occasionally swearing. โIt never gets easier,โ she gasped.
He was quiet a moment. โWeโve been working this program, facilitating your healing, rebuilding muscle mass for months and youโve come so far. But thereโs still a lot of work ahead.โ
She blew out a breath, not sure she was up for it. โAwesome.โ
Ignoring her sarcasm, he adjusted her again. His hands warm and firm, pressing her into place, holding her there a beat, signaling how he wanted her.
โWhat work?โ she finally caved and asked.
โWeโve been working on your body, but not your spirit.โ
โNot your job,โ she managed, breathless from holding the position. And maybe a little bit from having his hands on her.
โIt is my job, Emma. And Iโm good at it. When you let me be.โ
She couldnโt see his face. Probably for the best. โWhatโs that supposed to mean?โ
โYou already know.โ
She flopped over to her back to look up at him. โHumor me.โ
โItโs whateverโs in your head telling you that you donโt deserve to be all the way healed.โ
Their gazes locked and her heart started pounding. โWhy would I feel that way?โ
โBecause you lived. When someone else didnโt.โ
Her throat closed. Just shut off both her air and ability to speak. She sat up, curled her legs beneath her, and dropped her head to the tops of her knees. How did he know? Was she that transparent?
โEmma.โ Simon gentled his voice. โI know how much you loved running. And I know what the doctors told you about not expecting to ever get that back. But Iโve told you that I believe otherwise. I still believe it.โ
She lifted her head. โYou do?โ
โYes. Youโve been working on the weight machine. Youโve even been on the treadmillโโ
โAt a crawl.โ
โWhich is faster than you were last month. Youโve been climbing stairs to get in and out of your apartment the past few days. Itโs all working. Iโll have to check with your doctor, but we can try pushing harder now that youโre weight bearing. How does that sound?โ
She chewed on her lower lip, not sure. โI donโt know.โ
He studied her for a moment. โYou do realize youโre in the driverโs seat here, right? No one can dictate the path of your life except you.โ
โNot true. A car dictated my life. Detonated it, actually.โ
His eyes went very serious. โYeah, okay, and that was bad. But youโre standing on your own two legs. Youโre doing better every day.โ
Maybe. Emma slipped off the table, winced at her aches, and made her way to the mats in front of the windows with a beautiful view of the water in its glorious summer glory. She sat down, exhausted, and distressed over how quickly she tired. She looked down at her body, which she sometimes didnโt recognize. Once, sheโd been all lean toned muscles. Now there was no tone, no muscles. โItโs hard.โ Fighting for every inch of mobility all the time. Fighting through the brain fog. Dealing with her new reality.
Simon dropped to his knees at her side. โLife is hard.โ
He wasnโt going to let her feel sorry for herself. Which, she supposed, she should be grateful for. She thought about apologizing for her bad attitude, but knew he didnโt want an apology. He wanted her to try harder, to get full recovery.
โWhatโs wrong?โ he asked. โYouโre off today.โ
She shrugged, but he knew her. He understood her. Which currently made him the only one in her life who did. โIโmย .ย .ย . feeling things,โ she admitted.
โPain?โ
โNo.โ
His eyes held hers and she had the feeling that maybe he could read her mind, which was a bit horrifying, so she closed hers.
โEmmaโโ
โWe about done here?โ she asked.
โNope.โ He pointed toย .ย .ย . She sighed. The lat pulldown machine. โGoodie.โ
He smiled but didnโt back down. He did adjust it to no resistance. Just movement for today. Sheโd take it. She watched him counting her lifts. He was right. Sheโd gained strength, more and more each day. Her body had been wasting away when heโd come into her life. She was still limited by internal healing and her own mental health, but she really was doing better.
โItโs Friday,โ he said. โI imagine youโve got somewhere to get to.โ
Did Netflix count? โSure,โ she said instead of admitting her social life meant sharing a bowl of popcorn with Hog. โYou?โ
Kelly, the owner of the rehab facility, had just walked into the room and laughed. โSimon the workaholic? Doubtful.โ
โThereโs nothing wrong with working hard,โ Simon said.
โEven when it gets you dumped by your last girlfriend because your lifeโs too crazy for a relationship?โ
The two of them exchanged a long look, then Kelly laughed and turned to a machine.
Simon looked at Emma. โFive more.โ
โYou put work before a relationship?โ
โMake it ten.โ
โYou did,โ she said, finding a smile at his bullshit blank face. He wanted her to move on, but no way. He knew everything about her. It was her turn. โWhy?โ
โBecause he thinks heโs too busy to have a life,โ Kelly said.
Simon ignored this, but Emma was fascinated and needed more. Still, she started moving before he changed the count to fifteen. โOuch.โ
โWhat kind of ouch?โ he asked. โThe โI donโt want to do PT todayโ ouch? Or โI need a napโ ouch?โ
โA nap sounds grโโ Emma gritted her teeth on the last word as her calf muscles suddenly seized, making her curl into herself. She tried to straighten her leg to ward it off, also knowing she couldnโt, and sure enough the cramp gripped her like a vice, sending searing pain through her whole body. She cried out as she scrambled up, putting weight on the foot, trying to relieve the pressure.
Hands caught her. Simon, of course. He dropped down to massage her leg, working his magic until the unbearable tightness was gone and so was the pain. โBreathe,โ he said quietly and waited for her to do so, to mimic his slow, steady breathing.
But it was hard to draw air in slowly and steadily when she felt betrayed by her body. Itโd been almost a year, a whole damn year, and she hated the helplessness of knowing that her body still couldnโt be trusted.
โItโs okay to be angry,โ Simon said while his hands continued to work on her calf.
Emma opened her eyes and found him watching her carefully. He did that, always assessing what he was doing, how she was taking it, and there was comfort in that. Much as she teased him about being a hardass, he was actually the opposite.
โYouโre not doing your stretching at night,โ he said.
โNot as much as I should,โ she admitted through clenched teeth. โI know, not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, right?โ
โYouโre plenty sharp, Emma. Youโve just got a couple of blind spots. We all have them.โ
โYeah, right. Name one blind spot of yours.โ
Those fascinating gold and green eyes of his held hers, a slight raise to his brow, and her insides got a little squishy. She was his blind spot?
His hand, on her leg, squeezed a little as his eyes lit with amusement and affection, which had her gaping at him like a fish out of water. โUmย .ย .ย .โ
His low chuckle didnโt help. He pointed at her, gesturing her back to the stretching she wasnโt doing.
Right. And clearly he could find his professionalism in a single heartbeat, but she sure couldnโt.
โDo your stretching at night, before you get into bed.โ
โIโve been using nighttime to stress about getting work. People ask about my huge gap in employment, which means explaining I was in a coma, which then changes how they look at me.โ
โAnd how do they look at you?โ
She gestured to herself. โNo one wants someone this damaged. I come with implied problems.โ
โAny implied problems are their own. Youโre not damaged, Emma.โ
โYou might want to get your eyes checked.โ
โMy eyes are fine.โ
Her breath caught in her throat. He was hunkered before her, close, very close. Theyโd been in this position many times before, but theyโd never stared at each other while her heart thundered in her ears.
Kelly moved past them.
Flustered, Emma jerked to her feet and backed away.
Simon didnโt move. Nor did he seem flustered in the slightest. Just got quietly to his feet and waited for her to look at him.
โWe done now?โ she asked.
He gave a slow nod. โFor now.โ
They stared at each other and she wondered if there really was something there or she was just imagining it. And why that thought came with a little fear. Fear she wouldnโt be ready, that sheโd never be ready again. โOkay, then,โ she said. โGotta go.โ And like she did with just about everything, she ran off like the hounds of hell were on her heels. Well, okay, walked, because her legs hurt and running was no longer in her repertoire.